Olympic Orientation: Bronze Steel

Olympic orientation has begun for hockey players, in preparation of the upcoming Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia this coming February.


Don’t know anything about Sochi? Join the club, but allow me to try to help.

Fun Facts About Sochi:

  • Special Agent Vladimir Putin reached an agreement with Bernie Ecclestone to add Sochi to the 2014 Formula 1 calendar. This will someday be considered the single most corrupt moment of our time.
  • Not even Hitler would have dedicated troops to invade this soot-filled hellhole.  
  • Sochi is often playfully referred to as “The West Baltimore of the Greater Caucasus”.
  • Air France has designated the area around Sochi as “L’Espace du Merde”, as is where their aircraft are mandated to exhaust their septic systems.
  • You know those Russian dashcam videos? All filmed in Sochi.
  • Sochi’s mayor is George Zimmerman, their major export is Methamphetamines and their coat of arms is a silhouette of two guys beating up a gay Pakistani kid, while concealing their true feelings for one another.

Enough about Sochi. In preparation of their moment on the world’s stage, I’m sure they have their hands full polishing the groin areas of their Putin statues or exterminating their gypsies in the street. (Ed. note – In all seriousness, Sochi looks pretty damn nice, despite probably being filled with terrible people. It’s like the Florida of Eurasia.)

Back to hockey. Or as Americans call it: “Ice Hockey.” Adorable.

The purpose of the Olympic orientation in August is to free up golf course tee times in Tampa and to get Dustin Byfuglien out of the Ponderosa he’s been living in since the 2013 season ended. Additionally, to prepare for their future Bronze medal, the United States Olympic camp also had a photo day! ADORBZ!

And oh buddy, are the shots sensuous. If you’re not sitting directly over a pile of towels, I’d suggest doing so before clicking below.


Phil Kessel (who totally looks like a ‘Chad’ who steals his dad’s BMW on weekends) and Paul Stastny (I had no idea he had such ogrish qualities) should probably share the cake for most awkward. Considering Stastny plays on a team I don’t give one good gosh darn heck about (pardon my French), I chose to enhance some shots of the best goddamn hockey player in the best motherfucking city in this greasy garbage fire of a country.


Oh, and Go Canada Go.








Fire Dave Nonis.

– Ryan

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